Can you change your attachment style?

Stable doesn’t mean fixed

Attachment patterns develop over many years. That’s why they’re fairly stable, otherwise they wouldn’t be patterns. The question is how stable.

Everett Waters and colleagues studied this very directly. They assessed people’s attachment in infancy and again 20 years later. 72 percent had the same classification. But for more than one in four people it had changed, often after major life events such as the loss of a parent or a divorce.

In 2002, Chris Fraley summarized many such studies. His conclusion: early experiences form a kind of basic pattern that never disappears completely. But new experiences keep layering on top of it. The longer and the more often we experience something new, the more weight it gets.

What research knows about change

That people can become more secure isn’t wishful thinking. It shows up in very different kinds of studies.

In good relationships

Joanne Davila, Benjamin Karney and Thomas Bradbury followed newlywed couples through the first years of marriage. On average, partners became more securely attached over time. And those who were more satisfied with the relationship were more likely to become more secure. So a good relationship can change your own attachment.

With age

William Chopik, Robin Edelstein and Kevin Grimm analyzed three long-term studies with a total of 628 people, together covering ages 13 to 72. On average, attachment anxiety decreased over the course of adult life, and people in relationships were more securely attached on average. Attachment stays in motion throughout life.

In therapy

A review by Peter Taylor and colleagues found that attachment often shifts toward security over the course of psychological treatment, especially on the attachment anxiety side.

Despite difficult beginnings

Glenn Roisman and colleagues followed people from birth into adulthood. Some who were insecurely attached as toddlers were securely attached as young adults and had relationships that worked. Research calls this earned security.

Why old patterns are so stubborn

If change is possible, why does it feel so hard? One reason lies in the internal working models John Bowlby talked about. They help us size up new situations quickly. But they also make us likely to read new things in the light of old ones.

An example: someone high in attachment anxiety gets a short message. The internal model says: “Short means he’s annoyed with me.” So, just in case, the person texts again, the other person reacts a bit irritably, and the model feels confirmed. The new experience, that the short message might simply have been a short message, never even gets through.

That’s exactly why knowledge alone is rarely enough. It takes new experiences, and it takes the attention to notice them as new in the first place.

What sets change in motion

In 2018, Ximena Arriaga and colleagues summarized the conditions under which people become more secure. Put simply: when relationships help people appraise threats differently, when they strengthen self-confidence and when people experience that it’s worth relying on others.

The two insecure styles need different things:

• Anxiously attached people are helped by experiencing again and again that they’re valued and that the other person stays, even after a fight or a no.
• Avoidantly attached people are helped when their independence is respected and closeness doesn’t feel like losing their freedom.

Jeffry Simpson and Nickola Overall also describe how an attentive, reliable person can buffer someone else’s insecurity. It doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship. A friend, a brother or a mentor can have this effect too.

Six steps you can start today

Change rarely begins with one big decision, but with many small moments in which you do something differently than usual.

1. Get to know your pattern

For one week, observe when your attachment system kicks in. Pay attention to three channels: your body (racing heart, tightness, restlessness), your thoughts (“She’s stopped getting in touch,” “This is getting to be too much”) and your impulses (texting again or wanting to get away). If you know your early signs, you have more room to move.

2. Calm the alarm first

As long as the alarm is loud, it’s the one deciding. Breathe out slowly, step outside for a moment, drink something warm: only once your body is calmer can your head think clearly. Only then do you decide whether to text, ask or take some space.

3. Name the feeling

Sounds trivial, but it works. In a study by Matthew Lieberman and colleagues, people looked at images with strong emotions and put the feeling into words. While they did, the amygdala, a kind of alarm center in the brain, was less active. An inner sentence like “I’m feeling unsettled right now” already creates some distance.

4. Say what you need directly

Insecure patterns are often detours: protest instead of a request, withdrawal instead of an explanation. The secure way is more direct. “I’d like you to send a quick text when you’re running late” replaces five messages. “I need some time for myself tonight, tomorrow I’ll be fully back” replaces silently disappearing.

5. Consciously notice new experiences

When something turns out well, pause for a moment. The reply did come. The no wasn’t a drama. The conversation after the fight brought you closer. Moments like these are the raw material new expectations are made of. Mario Mikulincer and Phillip Shaver emphasize that security grows above all through repeated experiences. A journal can help you not to overlook them.

6. Bring secure people into your life

Notice who you feel stronger around after you meet, who you can be yourself with and who respects your boundaries. Giving these people more room is one of the most effective forms of change.

How long does it take?

There’s no honest number for that. The studies show changes over months and years, not days. At the same time, many people notice after just a few weeks that they react a little more calmly in some situations than they used to.

It helps not to expect change to be a straight line. There will be setbacks, especially in stressful times, after breakups or when you’re tired. A setback doesn’t mean nothing has happened. It only means your old pattern is still there, and it will stay there. What changes is how quickly you notice it and how quickly you find your way back.

When professional help makes sense

A course, a book or an article can get a lot started. Sometimes it takes more. Psychotherapy makes sense if your history weighs heavily on you, for example with violence, abuse or severe neglect, if anxiety or low mood shape your everyday life, or if you’re repeatedly so overwhelmed that nothing helps anymore.

For couples, there’s emotionally focused therapy (EFT) developed by Sue Johnson, which works directly with attachment patterns. A review by Stephanie Wiebe and Susan Johnson shows that many couples experience clear improvements with it.

In Switzerland, you can find psychotherapists through psychologie.ch, for example. Since 2022, basic health insurance has covered psychological psychotherapy when it’s prescribed by a doctor. Ask your family doctor about it.