Fighting isn’t a bad sign
Many people think a relationship without fights is a good relationship. If you’re anxiously attached, you quickly experience a fight as a sign that everything is at stake. If you’re more avoidant, you’d rather sidestep conflicts until they resolve themselves. Both rest on the same assumption: fighting is dangerous.
John Gottman and Lowell Krokoff followed couples over several years and found something different. Couples who openly argued about differences, even with anger, were a little less satisfied in the moment. Over the years, though, their relationship tended to improve. What did harm in the long run were defensiveness, stubbornness and withdrawal.
So it’s not about whether you fight but how. A fight after which you find your way back to each other shows you both: we can handle differences.
The four horsemen
Gottman observed thousands of couples’ conversations in his lab. Four behaviors predicted especially strongly that a relationship would fail. He called them the “four horsemen of the apocalypse,” and they’re often described as the four relationship killers. For each one, he described an antidote.
| Horseman | What it sounds like | Antidote |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | “You’re so selfish.” | Address a behavior and express a wish |
| Contempt | Mockery, sarcasm, eye-rolling | Deliberately show appreciation |
| Defensiveness | “That’s not true at all, you started it.” | Take responsibility for part of it |
| Stonewalling | shutting down, going silent, checking out inside | calm down and then come back |
Everyone shows these four sometimes. They become dangerous when they turn into habits. Of all four, contempt most strongly predicted a breakup in Gottman’s studies. It grows where only the negative is seen anymore.
Warmth counts more than harmony
Gottman found something else. Couples who stayed stable and satisfied showed about five times as many positive as negative moments, even during a conflict conversation: interest, affection, humor, a “You’re right about that.” In couples who later split up, the ratio was much less favorable. So good couples fight too, but embedded in warmth.
That’s an important addition for anyone who avoids fights. A quiet relationship isn’t automatically a healthy one.
What attachment has to do with it
The four horsemen fit strikingly well with the two alarms attachment knows.
Criticism is often the language of the loud alarm. If you’re afraid of not mattering, you attack so you’ll finally be heard. Jeffry Simpson and colleagues had couples discuss a serious problem in their relationship. Anxiously attached people saw their partner and the relationship more negatively after the conversation than before. More on this on the page about the anxious style.
Stonewalling is often the language of the quiet alarm. If you’re flooded by strong feelings, you shut down. From the outside, it looks indifferent; inside, there’s often a lot going on. More on this under the avoidant style.
When both alarms meet, the cycle of pursuing and withdrawing easily takes hold. How it works and how to recognize it together is explained in detail here:
Keep readingAnxious and avoidant: Why you attract each other and how it can workSix habits for fair fights
1. Start gently
How a conversation begins is usually how it ends. Sybil Carrère and John Gottman could predict with high accuracy from just the first three minutes of a conflict conversation whether newlywed couples would still be together six years later.
Gently means: addressing a behavior instead of someone’s character. “I was annoyed that you didn’t let me know” allows for a response. “You’re so inconsiderate” allows only for defense. Small words help too. Benjamin Seider and colleagues observed couples fighting: those who said “we” and “us” more often showed fewer negative emotions and were less physically aroused. What’s meant is a we like in “How do we sort this out?”
2. Stay clear on serious issues
Gentle doesn’t mean vague. James McNulty and Michelle Russell followed newlywed couples over several years. With minor problems, blaming or making demands did harm. With serious problems, on the other hand, satisfaction stayed more stable when they were addressed directly, because then the problems were more likely to improve. Clarity can be the kinder choice.
3. One topic per fight
If, in a fight about the dishes, you also bring up your mother-in-law and the vacation from three years ago, you turn a solvable problem into a mountain. If something else comes to mind, make a note of it for a separate conversation.
4. Make and accept repair attempts
Gottman calls the small attempts to catch a conversation that’s tipping over repair attempts: “Wait, that came out worse than I meant it.” “Can we start over?” A laugh can repair too. Lorne Campbell, Rod Martin and Jennie Ward observed couples resolving a conflict. Affiliative humor, meaning laughing together or an affectionate exaggeration, went along with both feeling closer afterward. Mockery at the other person’s expense had the opposite effect.
According to Gottman, whether a repair attempt lands depends less on how skillfully it’s worded than on the overall mood of the relationship. In warm relationships, even clumsy attempts land. If you tend to react anxiously, a repair attempt can quickly feel like dodging. Try to read it as an offer.
5. Use breaks, but not for ruminating
When one of you is flooded, no argument helps anymore. Then an announced break is the best option. Gottman recommends at least about twenty minutes so the body can really calm down.
What matters is what happens during the break. Brad Bushman deliberately made people angry. Those who then hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who had annoyed them were the angriest afterward. Venting and ruminating fuel the fire. A good break calms the body: a walk, slow exhaling, doing the dishes, music.
6. Own your part
The antidote to defensiveness is surprisingly small: taking responsibility for a part, even just a small one. “You’re right, I didn’t let you know.” That’s not admitting that everything is your fault. It makes it easier for the other person to do the same.
What happens after the fight is at least as important as the fight itself:
When it’s no longer a fight
Everything in this article applies to conflicts between two people on equal footing. Sociologist Michael Johnson described fundamentally different forms of violence in relationships. One of them he calls intimate terrorism, control through intimidation: one person systematically controls, isolates, humiliates or threatens the other. That’s not a fight between equals but a power imbalance, and communication tips are the wrong tool for it.
And if your fights regularly escalate, even without violence, couples counseling or couples therapy is a sensible step. That’s not a sign of failure but of taking responsibility for the relationship.
If you notice you’ve been fighting about the same thing for years, this article is also worth reading:
